I was talking to my mother today and she expressed to me a moment she would never forget in her life. It was a moment that came from deep within her heart, not only because of the way she told it but the haunting way the past creeps into our minds when we are vulnerably asleep. And I say vulnerable because when we are asleep we are motionless, our thoughts become our dreams and our traumatic past experiences resurface themselves, instantly.
“I woke up and it just flashed into my mind. I remember Dan(her son), asking if he could go to the store with us. We would go either go to wal-mart but it was mostly just the store. But, he looked at him and told him to ‘go away, because you’re fucking bad luck.’ And it just frustrates me so much. I hate him for doing that to him. He was always such an asshole.” She continued on to a different memory.
“And then he told him to not put water in hair one time. Dan, he was in the 3rd grade. He was little. That bastard stayed up all night long and waited for him to get ready for school. And when he heard him he jumped out of my bed like an animal. I chased after him… But was to late he had already slapped him…” She was mad.
“Just for putting water in his hair?” I asked “Yeah, I hate him.” she began focusing her attention else where.
My heart sunk and I felt for my brother. Those memories and that kind of hurt. It wasn’t fucking cool and it wasn’t normal for a dad to be so fucking scary to their children that they were afraid to even wake up and get ready for the day. And I wonder where all these sleepless nights come from. I act so blind yet I know exactly who, what, when, where and why.
But, at least I could take comfort in knowing that God was always by my side.