The Letter For Dad

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The choices, mistakes and problems that you will encounter don’t ever define who you will become. I have this passion to become a filmmaker, I am a filmmaker—and I’ve never given up. My past with my father was a fact, as bad as I would love to change that, I can’t. Tenth Avenue North had it right when they sang,”I can’t believe what she said, I can’t believe what he did, oh, don’t they know it’s wrong? Don’t they know it’s wrong, yeah—maybe there’s something I missed, how could they treat me like this?” Have you ever thought about how important forgiveness is yourself, as well as others.

Could forgiveness be one of the greatest gifts God gave you? We know that we live in a world where bad things happen, daily. And Trust me, I have years of dried tear stains on my eyes. I know the meaning of pain—even if it wasn’t the same situation.  People aren’t all bad, but they do make bad decisions.

I’ve opened my eyes as wide as I can to see the world the way Jesus Christ would—and I feel like it’s time to forgive everybody and I mean everybody who has hurt me, in the past. And I can only hope for the same in return, including my Father because if I don’t then how would I ever be forgiven of my own sins?

I wrote my dad a letter…

Dear Dad,

I remember being in the sixth grade and I had a choir concert. I remember asking if you would be there and you simply said, no because you only had one day off and you wanted to “enjoy,” it. I wrote you a letter that had the lyrics of a band that I loved back in the year 2000. It was called “Perfect,” by Simple Plan and the lyrics went like this:

 

SIMPLE PLAN—PERFECT

Hey dad, look at me

Think back and talk to me

Did I grow up according to the plan ?

And do you think I’m wasting my time doing things I wanna do?

But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it

I just wanna make you proud

I’m never gonna be good enough for you

I can’t pretend that

I’m alright

And you can’t change me

‘Cause we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I’m sorry

I can’t be perfect

Now it’s just too late

And we can’t go back

I’m sorry

I can’t be perfect

I try not to think

About the pain I feel inside

Did you know you used to be my hero?

All the days you spent with me

Now seem so far away

And it feels like you don’t care anymore

And now I try hard to make it

I just wanna make you proud

I’m never gonna be good enough for you

I can’t stand another fight

And nothing’s alright

‘Cause we lost it all

And honestly, I had no other way to express how much you let me down. Nothing was changing and that day you forgot your own wife’s birthday. Do you remember when you came into my room and started yelling at me, for no apparent reason. You would start talking about how I’m disrespectful and then end up on a topic about how Romania is much better than America and I needed to stop speaking English because it’s garbage.

On Dec 24, 2012 you yelled at mom “If God wants me on the streets I’ll be on the streets,” and do you know what happened? You were arrested and put on the streets. I know there is a God up there, I don’t need any more proof that he cares, he listens and loves me. Do you remember why you were yelling at me? I think you were telling people that I called the Greek Orthodox Church Bullsh*t, yeah, that’s right.

Funny how false that was because you came into my room with a can opener, pointed at my for-head and told me that If I kept being Mormon you would kill me, with your own to bear hands. And in the middle of all the threats and the screaming, I called Dre and she heard it all—shortly after the Police were on their way. How dare you tell me what I can and cannot believe in because of you I lost who I was that night—you made me a bitter person.

I lost God after you left that house, I couldn’t believe in a God anymore, in my head, how could any loving God cause so much pain to my family? But, it all makes sense now, I agreed to come to Earth and face these trials. I agreed to laugh, smile, cry and face the burdens that come into my life. What happened to the man, mom fell in love with? I mean she spent over thirty-years with you and how many times did you buy her flowers, take her out for her birthday or simply make any day special for her, never, you were worried about your cigarettes and (explicit things that are in the book, they will not be added to the web edition (2 pages missing).

Dad, you didn’t give a shit about my graduation when you knew how hard I worked in mathematics to grab a diploma. And you know what’s sad it still says I wasn’t proficient in math, how do you think it made me feel every-time you called me stupid, a cunt or a  dumbass? You know, the worst things you think about yourself? How would you feel if the person you were supposed to trust thought them as well? You were a Father to me, maybe 10 times in my 24 years of living.

And when I was hurting the most because I lost my ex-husband due to infidelity and my best friend, you taunted me, and made fun of me. When I tried hard to let God influence my life, you yelled at me. The moment you would see me happy,  you would tear me apart, push me down and throw some shit on me. Do you know how many days and nights I spent crying because of my ex’s? I would wake up, cry, go to sleep, cry, go to work and go on break, cry, I would hide behind the ABC building and cry—nobody saw, nobody knew, unless they were very close to me.

I kept telling myself there would be a day with no more pain or tears, where my friend would realize I was just trying to care and God would judge my ex-husband. The day wasn’t coming. I remember praying for over 300 days straight, never stopping, asking for our family to be okay, for mom to be happy and live a long life—but damn, you were draining her out. The beauty was being sucked right out of her golden soul.

How dare you do that to the woman that loved you, gave herself to you and provided a home and shelter to you for years. Do you remember when she told you that her poor hands hurt, you looked at her and said in Romanian that you could give a shit less that her body her, that your dick would break if you gave a shit. At least that’s the translation from Romanian to English. Did you know that there will be a day when there is no more sadness?

I don’t know what God you believe in, Dad, you told me you didn’t want to read the Bible because you didn’t want to know IF YOU WERE DOING ANYTHING wrong….. But, I think you already knew and I think it’s time for me to say that I feel really sorry for you right now. Have you ever truly felt happiness?

It sucks when you’re ungrateful for what you have and then you lose it—I’m glad you didn’t get the chance to kill my Mother like all the Margosians have done to their wives. I’m glad this is over now, I’m glad you moved on and I’m glad she moved on. And one day, we are going to find ourselves in Los Angeles standing in the sun, smiling, looking up at the sky, while standing in front of the temple. I’m going to feel really good that I survived the battle with you.

I’m sorry that you were a monster, I’m sorry that you are alone now—but you did this to yourself. I tried to help you in all the ways that I could think but you never cared. I fucking cared and loved you. Yet I was just that cunt you birthed.

And to this day I still remember what you told me, that very sentence  rings through my head every-single day at sunrise:

“You will never a writer, you’re not good enough and there’s a lot of competition.” You’re wrong, because guess what, Dad?

I forgive you—and now it’s time for me to show you, everything you said I couldn’t do, I’ll do, everything you said bad about me, was false and everything you said that hurt me, is over. I know that God will forgive me for any of my sins because I truly have forgiven you, that doesn’t change the hurt, the thoughts or the memories. It just changes all the hate I had flowing through my body. And let’s face the fact, you will always be my Earthly father, but my REAL FATHER IN HEAVEN, loves and takes care of me.

every.

single.

day.

Welcome to my story…..

To Be Continued

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